I’m a big fan of boundaries for hospice nurses. I have written BLOG POSTS and recorded PODCAST EPISODES dedicated to the subject.

There are limits to a nurse’s ability to remain completely neutral when doing this work. We do this work because we think it is important. Anyone doing this for a year or more is doing it because we feel it is our calling.

I’m not sure there is another area of nursing that demands as much emotionally from nurses as working in hospice. We insert ourselves into the end of someone’s story. We provide education and support as aunts, uncles, sons, daughters, husbands and wives stand watch over their dying loved ones.

While we try so hard to not fall in love with our patients and their families, we still inevitably end up with a hand full of people we just connect with in a special way. There are many ways this can happen. Most often it is because they remind us of someone in our own lives. Maybe even someone we lost to death at one point. We connect in a deep way, and friendship blossoms. We can’t help it. We are human, and we were created to love other people.

Then there is this abrupt ending to the relationship for us. A patient we truly enjoyed spending time with dies over the weekend or during the night. For us, a deep relationship comes to a crashing end. Imagine being so close to someone that you have stopped even knocking on the door when you show up to visit? We became close friends without even trying. It was just the result of visiting them multiple times a week for what can sometimes be more than a year. Now they are completely yanked out of our lives and we didn’t even get to say goodbye. Sometimes we are able to reach out to the family following the death. Maybe we even stay connected for a while. Even then, eventually, that relationship comes to an end. It’s not on purpose, but life for everyone moves on.

Then we might meet a family member in the community somewhere. We may be in the line of a grocery store, or tying to find a new pair of shoes. We make eye contact and, after a second or two, one or both of us will recognize the other. Someone starts crying and asks the other how they are doing. It’s awkward and generally short lived to minimize the awkwardness. We part ways and, for me, I sit in my car and relive some of the memories. There is no doubt the family member I just met is REALLY living the memories. Sometimes, I can hear them telling the person they are with who I was, and what I mean to them. It’s a heavy moment.

So what do we do next? We go to work the next day and risk our hearts all over again for complete strangers.

This is what we do, and we love it. Sometimes we just love it a little to much, and it hurts. It hurts because our friends keep dying.

James

James worked on-and-off as an LPN for over 20 years. In 2014 he completed a bridge program and became an RN. James became a hospice nurse in January 2015. He lives in the Kansas City area with his wife of over 30 years, 4 daughters and 2 sons in law.