All posts by James

James worked on-and-off as an LPN for over 20 years. In 2014 he completed a bridge program and became an RN. James became a hospice nurse in January 2015. He lives in the Kansas City area with his wife of over 30 years, 4 daughters and 2 sons in law.

What to expect from your hospice nurse: Part 3

Photo Credit: Kevin

Your are reading Part 3 of my series, “What to expect from your hospice nurse.” To gain full perspective, I encourage you to start from the beginning by visiting the series landing HERE.


Now that we have what to expect from the series, and the Medicare guidelines out of the way, it is time to debunk some of the misunderstandings I run in to every week.

Your hospice nurse isn’t trying to kill you

Some of you might find it strange that this is where I am going with this part of the series. Unfortunately, many people all over America misunderstand what hospice is all about. Today, I hope to clear up some of the fog.

Hospice does not hasten death

The United States does have some “Right to Die” states in the union. The purpose of this series is not to debate or even render an opinion on “Right to Die.” What I am here to help everyone understand is that nowhere in the US does a hospice nurse administer medications with the sole purpose of ending someone’s life. This activity is illegal in all 50 states. Right to Die states require that the patient administer those medications to themselves, and hospice nurses are given the right to decline to even be present for this activity.

There are actually studies that show patients frequently live longer when they elect hospice care.

American Family Physician
Journal of Pain and Symptom Management
New York Times

This is just three examples. A quick google search will reveal a lot of studies and articles from reputable sources that contradict the idea that hospice care will hasten death.

Articles are boring. I included these to just provide some backup. Let me share my own experience and how I help my patients understand why they may feel like hospice hastens death.

The best place to start is the comfort kit. Unfortunately, many people associate death on hospice with the medications we use.

Understanding the comfort kit

Your hospice provider will want to have a “comfort kit” delivered to your home for emergency use. This kit has medications to use for symptom management. Let’s take a walk through the kit now. Please note that different agencies provide different medications in the comfort kit. This list will go from most likely to be in the kit to least likely. Your agency may provide them all. Your agency might only include the first 3.

  1. Morphine – Yes, your comfort kit will have morphine in it. If you have never taken morphine, this might be scary. Especially if you have ever watched a war movie. Your favorite character just got shut up by the enemy. While he is lying there, one of his friends stick him in the leg with some morphine. He may even get stuck more than once. Then he dies. Can I submit to you that he didn’t die from the morphine? He died from his wounds. It’s the same thing in hospice. Our patients don’t die from the morphine. They die from their terminal illness. It should also be noted that morphine is the exact same opioid strength as hydrocodone. If you have ever received hydrocodone following a surgery, then you have had an equivalent dose of morphine. Five milligrams of liquid morphine is exactly the same as a Hydrocodone tablet. Morphine is great for pain or shortness of breath. Morphine does not hasten death.
  2. Lorazepam – Lorazepam is also called “Ativan.” This medication is a benzodiazepine just like “Clonazepam” or “Valium.” It will help you feel less anxious and more relaxed. It is also great for muscle twitching or uncontrolled seizures. It can also make you sleepy.
  3. Hyoscyamine – This medication has several uses. Most commonly it is used to control oral secretions. The most common term for the excessive oral secretions at end of life is the “Death Rattle.” The death rattle makes an appearance when the patient stops swallowing saliva. The saliva glands continue to make saliva, and it collects in the back of the throat. The patient can breath through this just fine. In my 8 years of hospice care, I have never had a patient aspirate and die because of the death rattle. This medication will help a little, but it will not stop the saliva glands completely. The patient will not experience discomfort from the death rattle, it is just very disconcerting to listen to.
  4. Ondansetron – This medication is used for nausea and vomiting.
  5. Haloperidol – This medication has been around for decades. It has several uses. It is a sad reality that many patients will experience something called “Terminal Restless” in the last few days of life. Terminal Restlessness most commonly reveals itself as severe confusion with hallucinations. Sometimes the confusion can get so bad that the patient will try to climb out of bed even though they are no longer able to stand. Haloperidol will help clear the fog and allow the patient to be more relaxed.
  6. Tylenol Suppositories – Tylenol is for more than just pain. Some patients will develop a fever during end of life. This does not necessarily mean they have an infection. Most generally, the body is having a hard time regulating temperature as the organs fail. Tylenol suppositories can be used to reduce fever at end of life. Before using Tylenol suppositories, you should consider cool compresses on the back of the neck or under the arms. Not all patients remain comfortable when being moved around a lot at end of life.
  7. Dulcolax Suppositories – Increased use of morphine will cause the digestive system to slow down. These suppositories are a last resort for severe constipation. There are plenty of oral options that should be started long before a suppository is needed.

Now, I encourage everyone to perform their own study of all these medications. Please be aware that some of them are contraindicated for certain age groups or certain disease processes. None of these contraindications are of concern when someone is in their last 7 days of life. In the last days to hours of life, the focus is on comfort and safety. Safety and comfort have priority over the long-term affects of some of these medications. For example, Haloperidol is contraindicated in patients who have Parkinson’s disease partly because long-term use of Haloperidol can cause uncontrolled muscle movements. For the last few days of life, Haloperidol can be used for Parkinson’s patients who are having bad terminal restlessness and are in more danger of harming themselves than having increased uncontrolled muscle movements.

How does your nurse help you live longer?

Since I have made the statement that hospice doesn’t hasten death, let’s discuss how your nurse will help prolong your life.

Before you’re on hospice, what happens when your health starts to decline? You reach out to your doctor to set an appointment to get seen. In general, you’ll be setting an appointment that is a moth or more out. Maybe you have a better relationship with your doctor, and you can get seen next week.

What if you start to have some problems overnight and need help as soon as possible? Now you’re headed to the ER in your car, or worse, in an ambulance.

Eventually, you will end up back in the hospital. Most likely, by the time you get there, your health has really gotten bad. Who knows what kind of permanent damage has occurred because of this delay in care. When you are in hospice, the timeline to getting real medical help is a fraction of what you are used to getting.

Your hospice nurse is visiting you weekly. She will catch all kinds of problems early and often. She can, most of the time, get you medications and medical equipment same day. This will all happen while you are sitting in your recliner and exerting zero energy. It’s a beautiful thing! Now you are getting treated days or even weeks sooner than through any other way. Every time your nurse walks in the door it is like you are at the doctors office. She has a direct line to a physician who can provide orders same day.

Why did my family member die 3 days after going on hospice?

So, I just spent a bunch of time telling you that patients live longer while on hospice care. Your experience might include a family member who died just a few days after entering hospice care. This can cause many patients and family members to be fearful and associate hospice with a quick death.

Everyone’s hospice journey is different, American healthcare comes with many life-extending treatments. This provides all patients with many options when considering how to treat their life-limiting illness. Some patients will engage all their options until the last possible minute, and some patients will forgo many of those treatments and elect hospice earlier in their disease process.

Patients who choose aggressive treatments until the last possible minute will have a very short hospice experience. Patients who decide to access hospice care much earlier in their disease process will have a longer hospice experience.

Regardless of which option you choose, diseases are the cause of death, not the comfort measures used by the hospice team.


To close out this article I want to leave you with this closing thought. It is something that I believe gets sugar coated way to often by hospice providers.

Hospice is end of life care

Regardless of what you have read or heard, hospice is end of life care. There is no version of hospice that is for patients who are not dying. I have heard too many liaisons/marketers tell patients, “Hospice is not what it used to be. You don’t have to be dying to be on hospice.” This is just not true. To be on hospice care, the hospice doctor has to submit, in writing, that you have 6 months or less to live. Some patients live less than six months, and some patients living longer than six months.

If you are reading this article, and you are on hospice, and you find this last paragraph confusing, I have some advice for you. I would recommend that you find the paperwork you signed to start hospice care. That paperwork will be quite clear on what you actually signed up for. At some point, it will mention that you have chosen comfort care only. This means that nobody on your hospice team is expecting you to recover or get better.

Not understanding what hospice really is does contribute to the idea that hospice hastens death.

Your hospice nurse isn’t trying to kill you. She just wants you to have a peaceful passing.


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What to expect from your hospice nurse: Part 2

Image by www.epictop10.com

Your are reading Part 2 of my series, “What to expect from your hospice nurse.” To gain full perspective, I encourage you to start from the beginning by visiting the series landing HERE.


Medicare Guidelines for Hospice Nursing Care

Hospice in the United States is regulated by Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services also known as CMS. While some of the rules that regulate hospice care can be very specific, there are also A LOT of gray areas. Today, I will address some of the regulations that will guide some of your nurse’s behavior and your overall care.

This is NOT an exhaustive review of the CMS guidelines for hospice care. I will cover some of the most important guidelines. At least what I think is most important.

Your case manager is an RN (Probably)

In general, hospice nurses have 3 types of assessments. They are The Initial Comprehensive Assessment, the Comprehensive Assessment and the Focused Assessment.

Only an RN can complete the Initial Comprehensive Assessment and the Comprehensive Assessment. An RN or LPN/LVN can complete a focused assessment.

It is a CMS requirement that the Initial Comprehensive Assessment be completed within the first 48 hours of admission into hospice care. This is completed by an RN. This RN may or may not be your case manager depending on agency policy.

Once the Initial Comprehensive Assessment is completed, you are on a specific schedule. That schedule is mandated by CMS. CMS requires that, at a minimum, a Comprehensive Assessment is completed every 15 days. This is the trigger to assign you an RN Case Manager.

Some agencies will use an LPN/LVN as a case manager. This can be done, but an RN will still have to make a visit at least every 15 days to complete the Comprehensive Assessment.

The IDG/IDT

The nurse is not the only member of the hospice team. The CMS guidelines designate 4 required members of the Interdisciplinary Group/Interdisciplinary Team. Also known as IDG/IDT.

This group is made up of a Medical Director that is either an MD or DO, an RN, a Medical Social Worker and a Chaplain. Without these 4 members, a hospice agency is non-compliant and subject to disciplinary action.

The IDG/IDT is required to meet every 15 days to review all the patients on service. During this meeting the Medical Director will hear from the RN, Chaplain and Social Worker. They work together to create and adjust the overall plan of care for each patient.

As a patient or caregiver, you do have the right to attend this meeting. I would only recommend such action in the most extreme of situations. Your nurse, social worker and Chaplain are perfectly capable of handling whatever needs that may arise. Still, it is not widely known that you have a right to attend this meeting, so now you do.

Hospice includes 4 levels of care

Routine: Most patients enter hospice on routine level of care. This care is provided wherever the patient calls home. This includes nursing homes, assisted living facilities and residential care facilities.

Respite: Caring for a loved one who is on hospice can be exhausting. Due to caregiver fatigue, hospice providers are required to provide respite services. To provide the caregiver with a break, the patient is placed into a Medicare or Medicaid certified facility for 5 nights.

Continuous Home Care: Sometimes, symptoms can get out of control. When this happens, your hospice agency can initiate Continuous Home Care. Continuous can include a nurse and a nurse aid, but the majority of Continuous Home Care is provided by a nurse per Medicare regulations. Once the patient’s symptoms are back under control, the patient will return to Routine Care.

General Inpatient Care (GIP): When symptoms cannot be managed at home, Inpatient Care can be provided by the hospice agency. Inpatient Care, like Respite, must be provided in a Medicare or Medicaid certified facility. This can include long-term-care facilities as well as a hospital or a hospice owned facility like a Hospice House. It should be noted that the GIP level of care is not for patients when they are dying. Hospice Houses and other GIP facilities are for uncontrolled symptoms. Once those symptoms are under control, the patient could be returned back home for Routine care. Even if they are in their final days of life.

Certification and benefit periods

There is one person, and one person only who determines your eligibility for hospice services. It is the hospice Medical Director. The IDG/IDT will discuss your case during the 15 day meetings, and the Medical Director will use this information to make his decision, but ultimately, he is the one who will write and sign the Certificate of Terminal Illness (CTI). This document is ultimately what allows you to remain on hospice.

There are benefit periods with hospice care. You do not have to do anything to manage the benefit periods. Still, I think it is helpful for you to know about them.

The hospice benefit periods are broken into 2 ninety-day benefit periods and then unlimited sixty-day benefit periods. Prior to each benefit period, your hospice case manager will gather data from your case and present it to the Medical Director for review. The Medical Director will then write the next CTI so you can remain on hospice.

Sometimes, patients do get discharged from hospice for being deemed no longer terminally ill. This is rare in hospice, and the national rate is around 20%. There are a lot of factors that play into this. Rather than try to address live discharges here, I recommend you discuss this with your hospice provider.


I could go on for quite a while trying to explain all of the CMS guidelines for hospice care. What I have provided above should be adequate for this series. Should you have any questions please feel free to ask them in the comments. I will answer them as best as possible.

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An open letter to Dr. Tim Link

Photo Credit Nicholas Raymond

Dear Dr. Link,

I hope this letter finds you in good health. Today, I am celebrating eight years as a hospice nurse! Oh how time flies! I’m actually a grandpa now! Can you believe that?

As I write this letter, I am taken back to where we worked together at NorthCare Hospice. It seems so long ago even though it has just been eight years.

What a blessing it was to have Mike Barrett as the education coordinator when I started. He and I really hit it off right out of the gate. We spent two straight weeks together as he shared all of his knowledge and passion for hospice with me. I have no doubt that my first embers of passion for hospice were lit by Mike. He and I are great friends even to this day.

With this letter, I wanted to share with you the profound impact you have had on my life and career. I truly believe it was God’s providence that brought me to North Care Hospice.

Shortly after I made it out of orientation, we lost several of our senior RN case managers. I’m sure you could tell by just looking that Stephanie and I were very anxious to see such helpful resources leave the company.

I distinctly remember you grabbing Stephanie and I after one of the meetings and inviting us into your office. To this day I remember what you said to us both.

“I’m sure you are both used to doctors being too busy to take your calls or help you with urgent needs. I want you to both know that I don’t operate that way. I am here for you any time you need me. I always have my phone at my side. If you call, I will answer, and you will have my undivided attention. I will never make you feel rushed. I have time for you.”

After that conversation I felt so empowered! You stuck to your word, Dr. Link. For the next two years, I never once felt rushed or hurried by you. Your calm and caring demeanor carried me through so many challenging situations. I always knew I could step out of a home and call you for help. You were always kind and patient with me. You wanted me to become the best hospice nurse I could possibly be, and you took me to the next level.

Leaving North Care, and your support, was the hardest thing I have ever done professionally. I remember staying there a year longer than I had planned because I wanted to learn as much from you as possible. You poured so much knowledge and wisdom into me, and I soaked up every word and directive you ever gave me.

I’ll never forget the note card I left you on my last day. You weren’t in your office, but I left it on your desk. I remember writing that you reproduced yourself in me.

Dr. Link, I’m writing this letter to you today to let you know that I have shared your love and knowledge of hospice care to hundreds of hospice nurses all over America and even across the oceans. I have recorded podcast episodes sharing what you taught me. I have lead classes at multiple organizations based on what I learned from you.

Dr. Link, hospice in America is better because you bothered to show me love and kindness every day for over two years. Nurses everywhere are learning how to titrate meds at end of life. They are learning how to avoid power struggles with patients, family members and anyone providing care. They have learned the importance of frequent visits and attention to detail when their patients are imminent.

Because of you I have developed a fire and passion for this work beyond anything I imagined eight years ago. The flame that you helped start in my heart is a raging fire to continue the legacy you passed on to me.

Six years ago I thanked you for reproducing your passion for this work in my heart. I promise to take the flame you gave me, and place it in the heart of any hospice nurse who will ever listen to what I have to say.

Forever changed,
James Dibben RN

What to expect from your Hospice Nurse: Part 1

Your are reading Part 1 of my series, “What to expect from your hospice nurse.” You can catch the entire series by visiting the landing HERE.


Recently I wrote THIS ARTICLE with advice on choosing the right hospice provider.

I had a couple comments with suggestions to write an article reviewing what someone should expect from their hospice nurse.

In general, this blog has been about “Telling Stories and Helping Nurses.” I have never considered this website as a place to educate the general population on hospice care.

Over the last few weeks I have realized that a series on what to expect from your hospice nurse could serve two purposes. I can educate the community, and I provide what I believe is best practice by hospice nurses in general.

What to expect from this series

This series will not be an exhaustive review of hospice care. In the next article I will review some of the general guidelines as they pertain to your nurse’s behavior.

Not all hospice providers are the same. Each organization has different policies that operate within the Medicare general guidelines. This means that I will be providing suggestions and ideas that I believe are best practice. Through this blog and my podcast, I have discovered that a majority of hospice providers will also agree with this series.

Just because I write a few articles on what you should expect from your hospice nurse, does not mean this will be your experience. Much of what I will be sharing is not mandated by Medicare, but rather what I believe is best practice.

This series is what I have taught numerous nurses here in Kansas City. It is also what I teach nurses in my private community, and what I have covered in my podcast.

I will release one article per week on Saturday mornings until the completion of the series. I can’t give you a total at this time because I’m still generating ideas for articles.

The final outcome

My hope for the final outcome of this series is two fold.

The main purpose is that you, the hospice patient or family member, will have a deeper understanding of what it means to be a nurse who works in hospice. This series is called “what to expect from your hospice nurse,” but, by the end, you will also know, “what not to expect from your hospice nurse.”

As a by-product of this series, I hope a few hospice nurses will feel encouraged and empowered by this series. As a hospice nurse, it is easy to find ourselves at the bottom of the rabbit hole of hospice care, looking up and wondering to ourselves, “How did I end up down here and miserable?” It is really easy for hospice nurses to completely lose ourselves in this work. We easily develop genuine feelings for our patients. This can cause a complete dismantling of our personal boundaries. By the end of this series, I hope hospice nurses find empowered to rethink some of their habits and reboot their career in hospice.


In closing, I hope you will take a couple minutes and share each episode of this series to your social media account. I won’t get anything financially from the sharing of this material, but I will get the feeling that comes with helping the community at large have a deeper understanding of hospice care. That’s reward enough for me.

A few new subscribers would be nice to have as well! 😉

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This is not the Rodney you are looking for

When I was in my freshman year in high school, my parents moved us from Kansas City, MO to Emporia KS. We lived in a small community that consisted of 2-3 trailer homes and several pre-fab houses.

We only lived there for two years, but during that time I became very close friends with our neighbor, David Whittington. We became such close friends that he fell in love with my cousin and moved to Kansas City when we left the area.

David had a brother who was older than him. Rodney hung out with us now and then. Sometimes we would travel into town and hang out with him at the mechanic shop where he was employed.

Rodney and I were not close, but we were familiar. All of our conversations were in the presence of others. He was always super nice to me. Once We moved back to Kansas City, that relationship ended.

A couple of years ago I was surfing LinkedIn, and I found Rodney’s profile. He was now running an LTC facility in Olathe, KS. I commented a couple times on some of his posts. He had masterfully navigated some of the challenges his facility was facing with COVID.

Shortly after we reconnected, the agency I was working for admitted a couple patients in his building. I was very excited! This was an opportunity to reconnect and reminisce.

I had a nurse with me who was on orientation. We entered Rodney’s facility and followed the procedures. This was in the heart of the pandemic, so it took a few minutes.

We worked our way to the administration offices. Rodney’s secretary greeted us.

“Can I help you?”

“Yeah, I’m a friend of Rodney’s from back when I was in high shook. I have not seen him in over 30 years.”

“Oh wow! Okay, what’s your name?”

“Well, I go by James now, but back when I knew him I went by Stacy.”

“Okay, well, he is in a meeting, but it is almost over. Have a seat.”

Shortly after sitting down, Rodney invited me into his office. We visited for about 20 minutes. I reminisced with him about our time in Emporia. I told him that I see David routinely around town. Our conversation eventually moved to the challenges all facilities were facing at the time trying to navigate COVID. He was polite and kind through the conversation. He treated me like he had all the time in the world even though that was far from the truth.

I left his facility feeling good. It was nice to reconnect with someone after so long.

A couple months later I happened to run into David at our local Walmart. I was so excited to share with him how I got to visit with his brother Rodney after so many years.

“Hey Dave, how is it going?”

“I’m good. How are you?”

“I’m good! Hey, I got to see your brother a couple months ago! I found out he is an administrator at a nursing home in Olathe and went by to visit.”

David looked at me like I was a complete stranger. His stare was so blank that he was almost looking right through me. I almost felt like I was in an alternate universe where I was a complete stranger to David, and we had never met. I almost wondered if I was addressing the correct person in front of me. It was eerie!

“Hello? Dave? You have a brother named Rodney Whittington, right?”

“Yes, but he doesn’t run a nursing home.”

”Sure he does! I just sat in his office a couple months ago, and we, well I, reminisced about our time in Emporia.”

“Not with my brother you didn’t. My brother works in Topeka.”

I grabbed my phone and opened LinkedIn. I found a picture of Rodney Whittington and showed it to him.

David broke out in loud laughter!

”That’s not my brother! I don’t know who you were talking to, but it wasn’t my brother.”

David pulled out his phone and found his brother on Facebook and showed me his picture. These two Rodney Whittingtons resembled each other like a chihuahua resembles a bullmastiff.

To this day I wonder what Rodney Whittington in Olathe, KS thought of me that day. He handled the whole thing with grace and poise.

I barely know the Rodney Whittington from Emporia, KS. Apparently, I knew the Rodney Whittington from Olathe, KS even less!

Episode Twenty-Six: The Oasis

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In this episode I reimagine Part 8 of Avoiding Hospice Burnout for nurses.

I discuss the following concepts that will help create a healthy environment for staff and co-workers.

  1. Listen-Validate-Communicate
  2. Assume positive intent
  3. The Speed of Trust (Get the book)
  4. Getting burned
  5. Gossip
  6. Being authentic

At the end of the episode I take a few minutes to address leadership. It is my belief that leadership holds the greatest power over the culture of the office.

A good leader will take personal accountability for how staff treats each other. I believe that organizational staff will emulate their leaders both consciously and subconsciously.


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It’s About the Team


Hospice nurses are in high demand. We could leave one company today, and have a job at a new company tomorrow. It is really that easy.

I am very public about what I do for a living. If you’re reading this article, then you are well aware of how public I am. Because of how outspoken I am, I get a lot of hospice questions from friends, family and complete strangers.

One of the most frequent questions I get is, “Which hospice should I choose?” Now, if you live in the area of the hospice I work for, I’ll suggest my hospice. Many times I get this question from someone who does not live in my area. I have a simple response to this question.

“It doesn’t matter as much which hospice you choose. It is more about the team that you get.”

This is a very truthful statement. For the patient and family, the nurse and the team you get could easily be the difference between a good hospice experience, and a less than ideal hospice experience.

I always recommend that someone find a really good hospice nurse in their area, and then choose the company that nurse works for. It is a much better way to find the hospice of your choice. The nurse doesn’t work alone, and the chaplain, social worker, and home health aide are absolutely essential. 

The nurse is still the central case manager for all hospice cases. You need a really good one for your best hospice experience.

Don’t try to pick the best company. Try to pick the best team. It will take some work, but you’ll love the results.

Episode Twenty-Five: Review and Renew

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In this episode I review the last year and which episodes were the most popular. I discuss what those episode tell us about this community and what it means for the coming months..

The top 6 episodes from this last year are as follows.

  1. Episode 16 “The Last 7 Days.
  2. Episode 10 “On call strategies with Tania.
  3. Episode 3 “For the record.
  4. Episode 6 “Plan your work. Work your plan.
  5. Episode 11 “Orientation strategies part 1.
  6. Episode 15 “Success in the ALF.”

In this episode I discuss one of my most recent blog posts where I journal the last seven days for one of my patients.

Click HERE to read, “The Last Bath.”

I also discuss solutions that include my PRIVATE community, this show, and something even more powerful….personal accountability.

I review some of the private group services available at The Hospice Nursing Community. Specifically, I discuss the private groups only for hospice leadership.

In closing I discuss the importance of changing habits to achieve more success. I also encourage everyone to find ways to avoid burnout and have more work satisfaction. I encourage a review of my “Avoiding Hospice Burnout Series” I wrote in 2021.

Happy New Year from The Hospice Nursing Podcast!


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The Last Bath

Photo Credit Greg Clark

Monday

“Does he still wake up if you touch him?”

“He did last night. I have not tried since we all went to bed. I think he might be wet.”

Conversation is simple. The daughter reminisces about the life she had with her father.

“Has he had anything to eat or drink recently?”

“Not since Saturday night. Will you help me change him?”

I gather all the supplies needed. I put on some gloves and pull back the sheets. After a check of his disposable brief, I discover that he is soiled. Together, we put on a clean brief. He barely makes a sound during the procedure.

The daughter gives me a big hug before I leave.

“I don’t know how I could possibly do this without everyone’s help.”

“You are doing great. I’ll be back in the morning.”

Tuesday

“How was the night?”

“He moaned when we tried to change him last night. Did I hurt him? I was so scared that I was hurting him.”

“Sometimes, patients just don’t want to be moved much when they are dying. Right now, he looks comfortable to me.”

“Will you help me change him?

I gather all the supplies needed. I put on some gloves and pull back the sheets. After a check of his disposable brief, I discover that he is soiled. Together, we put on a clean brief.

The daughter gives me a big hug before I leave.

“I don’t know how I could possibly do this without everyone’s help.”

“You are doing great. I’ll be back in the morning.”

Wednesday

I visit before our normal team meeting, so it is early.

“How was the night?”

“James, I could not stay awake last night. I fell asleep in this chair. I’m so tired.”

“I know you are. I’m really proud of you. This isn’t easy.”

“Can you listen to him and tell me when he will die? I want to be right next to him when it happens.”

“I wish it worked that way. Nobody can predict an end of life event. I really need you to be careful when trying to decide to sign up for something so impossible. You will eventually need to go take a shower. You will need to use the restroom, or you will need to go pick up a family member to make a final visit. Don’t set yourself up to do something that is impossible. Be at peace with yourself if your father dies when you are not in the room.”

“Will you help me change him?

I gather all the supplies needed. I put on some gloves and pull back the sheets. After a check of his disposable brief, I discover that he is soiled. Together, we put on a clean brief.

The daughter gives me a big hug before I leave.

“I don’t know how I could possibly do this without everyone’s help.”

“You are doing great. I’ll be back in the morning.“

Thursday

“James, here is my granddaughter. Her mom had to drop her off this morning.”

The granddaughter looks at me with hesitation. She is probably about three years old. I smile at her and wave. She has a blank stare on her face and crawls into her grandmother’s arms. After a few minutes she is fast asleep even though it is nine in the morning.

“My son is here. He’s sleeping in the other room. He cried most of the evening. He spent every day of the week after school here when he was growing up. He loves his grandfather so much.”

“I’m glad he is here to help and support you. How was the night for your dad?”

“He doesn’t respond to anything. We changed him before everyone went to bed. I’ve been in this chair all night. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I wake up every hour and check on him. I just want him to pass so this will all be over. Am I a terrible person?”

“You are not terrible. You are amazing. I wish all of my caregivers worked as hard as you do. You love your dad. You honor him with your presence and care.”

“Will you help me change him?

I gather all the supplies needed. I put on some gloves and pull back the sheets. After a check of his disposable brief, I discover that he is soiled. Together, we put on a clean brief.

The daughter gives me a big hug before I leave.

“I don’t know how I could possibly do this without everyone’s help.”

“You are doing great. I’ll be back in the morning.“

Friday

“Have I told you about my mother?”

“No, not really.”

She goes on to share some of her experiences with her mother. He has never discussed her mother before. At first I’m surprised. Her father is dying and now he wants to talk about her mother?

“She needs a break from reality,” I tell myself.

She pulls out her phone and shows me some YouTube videos and some Wikipedia pages. I discover that her mother is somewhat of a celebrity. Nobody fancy to the average American, but a really big deal to her. I look at the pictures and watch the videos.

After a few minutes she returns to her regular chair. After a few more moments she sits up.

“Will you help me change him?

I gather all the supplies needed. I put on some gloves and pull back the sheets. After a check of his disposable brief, I discover that he is soiled. Together, we put on a clean brief.

The daughter gives me a big hug before I leave.

“I don’t know how I could possibly do this without everyone’s help.”

“You are doing great. I’m putting you on the daily visit list for the weekend. They will take great care of you until I return Monday morning.”

Saturday & Sunday

On-Call staff makes visits over the weekend. The reports are almost identical to my visits. Encouragement and help with cares. Weekend staff tries to increase visits to twice daily. The daughter declines. She has this covered. She is amazing.

Monday

Both daughters are present for this visit. It’s a very tear filled visit. It has been a long seven days and they both report irritability when out in the public.

Their father’s respirations have slowed. He does not respond to sound or touch. The daughter providing most of the care struggles to stand without help. She grabs her cane for support and limps across the the room to the kitchen.

“I’m so worn out, James. I never imagined this would last so long. I lose track of time, and I forget to eat.”

“This is longer than most. Your father is going to cross over when he is good and ready.”

The sisters tell stories. I listen quietly. I am like an invisible observer at one point as they reminisce and have a few quiet laughs.

“Will you help me change him?

I gather all the supplies needed. I put on some gloves and pull back the sheets. After a check of his disposable brief, I discover that he is dry.

“He doesn’t need to be changed. I think his kidney’s have stopped working.”

“Will that cause pain?”

“No, not at all. Just keep doing what you are doing.”

The daughter gives me a big hug before I leave.

“I don’t know how I could possibly do this without everyone’s help.”

“You are doing great. I’ll be back in the morning.“

Tuesday

This was like any other morning. I checked the on-call report before leaving the house. There are no changes or updates. After about 10 minutes in the car I send my caregiver a text message.

“I’ll be there at eight-thirty.”

“I need you now,” is the reply I get back. I respond with, “Okay.”

I know what this means. I’ve been doing this for too long. Her father has either passed, or he is very close. Something has changed in a dramatic way.

I pull into the driveway, and most of the family is on the front porch. As soon has his daughter sees me she breaks out in tears. I step out of my car, grab my nurses bag and head for the front porch.

His daughter embraces me in the biggest hug I have ever received from a family member.

“He stopped breathing about five minutes after I sent you that text message,” she whispers into my ear.

Her hug feels like it will last forever. She is devastated.

“I’ll go in and make it official. Take your time out here. I am not going anywhere.”

It is obvious from the moment I enter the home that her father has passed from this world to the next. I listen to his heart for the full minute just like I was taught in nursing school. After sixty seconds of listening, I have my official time of death. I sit on the sofa and let things unfold naturally.

For the next thirty minutes I say nothing, and I do nothing. This is their time not mine. I need to become completely invisible.

The daughter gets out her phone and starts playing his favorite songs. I watch as everyone listens to the songs. There is crying, stories and laughter. The tension must be broken, and his daughter has all the right solutions.

Once the room returned to silence, his daughter looks at me and says, “Will you help me bathe him?“

I gather all the supplies needed. I put on some gloves and pull back the sheets. Together, we give him his last bath.

Episode Twenty-Four: Six Keys to Successful Communication

Listen on Apple Podcasts Listen on SpotifyListen on iHeartRadio Listen on Stitcher Listen on Amazon Music RSS Feed Listen on Google Podcasts

In this episode I discuss my communication strategy when communicating with patients, families and facility staff.

Instead of trying to discuss specific scenarios, I review my overall 6 strategies I use to communicate effectively.

I don’t describe these strategies as the umbrella I function under. They are more like a roof. A roof is complicated. There isn’t just one item that provides the cover we need for our home. There are 2×4 and 2×4 wooden supports. There is also plywood sheeting that needs to be applied before the shingles can be attached.

The six roofing supports are as follows.

  1. Be Non-Confrontational
  2. Listen, Validate then Communicate
  3. There is nothing wrong with a quiet room
  4. Let people be wrong if it helps them feel better
  5. Stop feeling pressure to know all the answers
  6. Be like a four-year-old kid

Please don’t forget to complete the “Your Opinion Matters” survey being conducted by Shelley Henry.

If you want to take your communication to the next level, consider joining The Hospice Nursing Community.


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